u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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