My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
