My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
