Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
