I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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