my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
