Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
