In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
