The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
