He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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