dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
