haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
