She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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