For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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