She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
