I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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