I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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