Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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