You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
