What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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