FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
