He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
