im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
