it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
