I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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