I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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