direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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