he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
