Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
