I looked at my own cervix.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
