tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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