Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
