You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
