my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
