my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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