I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
