Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
