Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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