...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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