so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
