You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
