kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
