I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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