I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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