just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
