It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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