bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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