I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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