the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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