How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
